Marriage is not happiness

By Shane Burrell |Co-Writer|

In an earlier post by my Co-Writer DeMarco in which he talked about Divorce and how its really should be looked at as something that is helpful to someone's happiness in a bad marriage instead of something that is a social tragedy. Divorce as he says is helpful but i asked myself why most marriages dont work out in the first place? Most of us think that committing ourselves to our husband or wife through marriage is the ultimate solution to not being lonely anymore and be happy forever, well that just is not the case. Making the commitment of having a husband and or wife will change your life yes, but it will not stop you from feeling lonely and or having feelings that your significant other can not understand. I have listened to a few TEDX talks about love and belonging, and they have all said that being married does not solve the fact that your significant other will not completely understand you. We have close siblings and friends that are there for us when we need them the most, and most of these people have been there before we have met that other person. We have shared experiences with these people and have gone through life struggles with them as well. All of these struggles and experiences have gave us the relationship that we have with our families and friends. Now if we have been with significant other through these experiences of course your relationship will be stronger never the less, although it cant be said that you have shared all of your shit with them. The reason that we have best friends and really close siblings is because we share life experiences with them, even from a very young age. We allow ourselves to let go off all inhibitions and just be ourselves without worrying if someone will think differently about us. This not the same for our marriages. Because we will always have some inhibitions when we are with our significant other. We dont want them to think that we are stupid, or we want them to say we look pretty, so you buy nice clothes, get your hair done and what not. We have this unrealistic idea that the person that we call our significant other should be our other half. This is something that is profoundly dangerous. Because if we go through life thinking that there is someone out there that will complete us, then there will always be heartache and sorrow. Being married is a great celebration, but counting on someone being your partner for life and having them there because your happiness depends on it, is something that will always fail. We have siblings and best friends for these task, people that have seen us at our worst and our best, people that no matter what the case will always understand what your significant other can not. Having someone being there as our husband/wife will always have its benefits despite they can not completely understand you. Having your husband being there economically and emotionally are some of these contributors. Because we get married and share the our finances with them, meaning that you are able to think about having children and buying a new house, living in a place that is best for you and them. Emotionally you are able to confide in them by telling them some things that you feel comfortable with, expanding your life experiences from just your friends and family to someone that you love romantically. Being married although has some of its limitations will also bring new experiences and aspects to your life, although its a good idea to never lose those people that have brought you to this point and keep them as close as you can because as DeMarco says divorce could be the best solution to a bad marriage.

Divorce is a good thing.

By Daniel DeMarco |Co-Writer|

Divorce is a good thing.

Now I know that this statement will be met with plenty of immediate reactions of shock or disagreement, but I will submit to you that you are looking at it the wrong way.

What is the cause of a divorce? Well obviously the answer is a bad marriage leads to divorce.

The key word there is “bad.”

Our society looks at marriage as a great event and worth for much celebration, so when a marriage turns ugly of course it isn’t a good outcome.

If a marriage does indeed turn ugly though, why would it ever be the preferred process that the two people should have to suffer with each other?

Often time people will argue something like: “Well people shouldn’t give up so easily, they can make the marriage work out” or something along those same lines.

Keep in mind that divorces are very different than just breaking up a relationship.

A divorce is a legal process. And because it is a legal process rather than just a social process, there is money involved.

The average divorce nowadays will cost an individual around $15,000-20,000, not to mention the possible consequences of splitting property and even splitting or losing custody of kids. It is obviously a very different situation than meeting up with your partner and breaking up with them.

With this in mind, if divorce becomes a possible solution to a bad marriage, there must be some very good reasons to back it up.

Being in a toxic relationship is not a healthy benefit to any individual, and just because two people are legally married does not make the ill effects any lesser.

For these reasons, divorce is not something to be sad about or to offer pity and condolences to others for having experienced.

Also consider this: Have you ever heard of a good marriage coming to an end by divorce? Please respond if you have, I beg you, but I don’t expect that anyone has ever heard of this happening.

Good marriages don’t experience divorce, healthy marriages don’t have to deal with it. If they did, that would be the true tragedy, that would be a reason to be against divorce. But that never happens.

So at this point, I will submit to you that you should support friends or family that have to experience divorce. Don’t tell them you are sorry or that it is a shame that things worked out this way, they’re the ones going through it and I’m sure they feel bad enough.

Instead why not offer some support and comfort to the fact that they are ending something which was detrimental to their well-being? Why not celebrate that they have the option to leave the toxic relationship and to better themselves?

Divorce is a good thing. It is a chance for a new start.

Q&A with a Hetero and a Homo

Lately i have had some help with my blog from my good friend Daniel DeMarco aka DeMarco, coming up with concepts and ideas. Well this time we decided that we would do a Q&A kinda thing because he's straight and I'm gay. So we thought that we would talk about love and how it may differ from straight guys and gay guys, at least from our perspectives. So we kinda have went back and forth about it and this is what we came up with.

Me: time and time again when you have a hook up with someone you always have that person always looking for something else even when you tell them that this is just sex. So why does it always happen that they want more? I mean I'm sure that we have all been guilty of this in one way or another, me included but sometimes I think if straight guys go through the same thing? like is it only gay guys that are so clingy because not everyone is gay or is it because they don't want to be alone? for me I would hook up with someone and then find myself liking them but then I would later be disappointed because typically all they would want is sex or something or would just want to meet up at night at my house get drunk and then have sex. so why do gay guys always have sex and expect to have a husband like right after.

DeMarco: I can assure you that heterosexuals go through the same stuff, whether it be disappointing someone, or being disappointed the same way. A part of me feels like society has put high expectations upon love and relationships where people think there is something wrong with them if they haven't experienced love or if they aren't in a relationship all the time. We get surrounded by this image in advertising and media. It plays into the insecurities of people.

 But I can't deny that there are simply just times where genuine desire for someone occurs. Sometimes you are someone's desire, and sometimes you want more from another person. I have experienced both.

Me: yeah i mean of course media always plays a roll in this shit, its a way to show us what is hot and what is not. But i mean when someone is dating for like 3 weeks and all of a sudden they are deeply in love? what is that shit about. Ive seen alot of it in straight couples but gays, Jesus Christ those guys take everything on the fast track. I mean I'm gay and it usually takes me 6 months before i can even admit that i love a guy

DeMarco: You could be right that gay guys are always on the "fast track," but straight people aren't any better in my opinion. The whole "love" issue is something I've thought was interesting for a while now. It is hard to take someone seriously when that happens like you mentioned, a few weeks in and people are already spouting love around like any other word. 

To me, it shows a lack of respect for what love really is. Just a month or two ago, a friend of mine had a project for a philosophy class where a piece of it was defining "love." After about 45 minutes of back and forth discussion, we agreed that at the core, love is the feeling that you cannot live without something, that you are willing to give your life for whatever it may be. In that respect, way too many people are not being genuine with their choice of words.

Me: Yeah i totally agree i mean, when your dating someone for a few weeks and then tell them that you love them, i mean there is no meaning in that. Even if the person has strong feelings about the other. But love like you said should be the feeling that you cant live without them, but i mean sometimes i feel like when a guy says that they love another it has some stigmas tagged to it. Like there is almost something that has to be proven before they are able to say it or something.

DeMarco: Are you referring to guys in general, or strictly gay guys?

Me: gay guys, like for me when i told my boyfriend that i loved him, i felt like we had to go over a few steps before i was able to say it. Like having unprotected sex, PDA, brushing each others hair, you know petty shit but it was like there was a check list or something

DeMarco: That's interesting you say that, because I would say the typical scenario for straight guys in relationships is that they aren't getting anything extra UNTIL they say "I love you." Now of course that isn't always the case, but it is certainly a common theme in my opinion.

Me: yeah I'm sure that its a case by case kinda thing but for gay guys its like you have to prove yourself before you say i love you.But for me when i say i love you, its a point in our relationship that i am able to be vulnerable enough to be able to give you all of my heart and not reserve parts that i think that you wanna see

DeMarco: Out of the two options, I would say it is better having to prove yourself to say it, rather than having to say it to get more. I think that is where a lot of the dishonesty comes in, because people know that they can get what they want and all they have to do is say something that they don't have to actually mean. Does that make them an asshole? Sure it does, but the other person shouldn't be making it that easy in the first place. 

The way you're describing it is a fair way to. I think it is respectable and is something that could be presented earlier in the relationship when it seems apparent that things may be heading down that route. It'll let the other person know ahead of time what it really means if that time does finally arrive.

Me: yeah i think if your ready for that point in a relationship then you should be able to say it. And yes it does make you an asshole when you just say i love you just to get something out of it. 

In any case the word love is loosing its meaning with any relationship, gay or straight. 

In my case i have only said i love you to two guys and with my first one i became broken hearted and probably took me a year just to get over it. So long should it take you to get over someone? What do you do when you are trying to get over it?

DeMarco: It has definitely lost a lot of its meaning. It is too common nowadays. People WANT to be in love, they want to believe they're in love, they start looking for it and hoping for it. There's an old quote, "the easiest person to fool is yourself" and I believe that is very accurate in a lot of these cases of "love."

Well as long as my memory is working here, I've only said it to one girl, my girlfriend in my senior year of high school. Looking back on it now, I know that I was just one of those silly hopeful people that wanted to have something special, but in reality I didn't and just tricked myself into thinking I did. That whole experience was very helpful and taught me a lot, so I'm glad I went through it, but I am under no illusions about it being real love. 

As far as getting over someone, it is hard for me to say. I wasn't devastated when that little high school romance ended, and have never really been devastated. A few special girls have come and gone in my life, and I missed them yes, but I just make it right with myself. I move forward, I keep myself realistic and remind myself that there is more to life than a relationship or some girl. What other people seem to go through after break-ups is not something I have experienced. What I want to know, is if that is because I'm emotionally stronger than others, or because I just didn't have as strong of feelings.

Me: I'm not sure I like to think that I'm emotionally reserved for the most part. But when I feel love and the heartache of a break up, I cant control my emotions. I just have to let everything out. and it hurts, and sometimes I wish I would be able to just sit in my world alone and not be distracted by the world going on around me. But if I would do that, then I wouldn't be able to learn from the suffering that I would have to endure. But i guess that's love you become deep into it and learn from what you can, and when it explodes in your face you have to suffer but at least you learn from that too.

DeMarco: I try to control my emotions, or I have other ways of outlet than just the suffering over some type of pain. But then again, my day could be coming where I am broken too, I can't be too confident in my composure. 

But I think that's a big aspect of anything good, people aren't ready or thinking about when and if it goes bad. The way I look at life is that everything is pros and cons, and you just have to pick things for yourself where you feel like the pros outweigh the cons. Some people enjoy love and relationships so much that they are willing to go through the pain that may result, others would rather avoid it but they don't get to experience all the good things about love in exchange for avoiding any potential pain.

We had to cut our conversation a little short because were a little busy the both of us, but we both pretty much agreed that love shouldn't be a word that is thrown around so easily. Both straight and gay relationships are both at fault for using this word so uselessly. Although as it would show that straight couples almost you the word love as something that would be able to get them more out of girlfriend. And for gay couples you have to prove yourself to your boyfriend to show him that you really do love him. Also love is an emotion that is ultimately something that makes you do anything and everything for the person that you are in love with. Although there always is that part that makes you vulnerable to the person and therefore you are more easily hurt by that person you still are able to learn and make yourself a better person. DeMarco is right when it comes to love and life everything comes with pros and cons. 

Tips for Bad Sex

Sex, everything about this word makes almost everyone blush or at least they feel a little uncomfortable when someone around them is talking about sex. They give a giggle, blush, or just completely leave the room, but really when you think about it sex it probably one of the best things that two people would be able to have together. You know when you have good sex with someone because usually after your legs feel like noodles or you are just so tired from all of the work that you have just done that you fall right asleep. But what happens when you have sex that just isn't good at all? What do you tell that person? How do you react? What do you tell your friends? What do you do if he calls you again? What if you run into him somewhere? Im sure that most of us have gone through something like this and if you haven't you might want to keep reading. Typically when the sex is just terrible you have a few options that you can choose from, the first would be to tell that person the truth. Ok, typically in this situation, you just finished having almost the worst sex you have ever had and the guy next to you is just like, "Wow! that was amazing," usually he is waiting for you to agree, and this gives you the opportunity say, "oh yeah me too," and just never text his ass again, or you can tell him how you really feel about it. You could say something like, "yeah amazing, if i were a 17 year old and thought that sex was you having a seizure on top of me, then yeah it was amazing." That way he knows that it was terrible and could work on something before he decides to have sex with the next poor sucker. The truth hurts but at least you would be able to talk shit about how bad it was and tell your friends that you laid into the poor sucker. At least for his next hookup he would realized that seizures on top of someone is not sex. Now not all of us have the balls to really tell someone what we really thought of that act in which shouldn't be called sex but a science experiment, so we use our body language. Body language contributes to 70% of our actual language, so they way that your acting will be able to show how you really feel about this encounter. So you have a great deal of options but ill just talk about the two that are most common. One, you finish committing your unfortunate act with this guy, and leave right after. DO NOT STAY THE NIGHT. This is very important, if you stay at his house even if your drunk call a taxi, you give this guy the impression that is was good enough to stay at his place and possibly have to go through this god forsaken act in the morning. This would be a good time to lie and say that you have a meeting the next morning, or you have a family thing in the morning or something like that, and then never text the guy back. The second option is to make sure you leave and then warn all of your friends about the horrible sex that you had with this particular guy and make sure that they don't make the same mistake that you have. When this happens what you say will probably get back to him some way or another and when it does he will know that the reason you have been sending one word texts is because he should take some lessons in sex and stop watching so much porn. Typically the second and third questions come together simultaneously although there are many options for that one, but like i said those are the most common ones that occur to most guys. And, "what if he calls you again?" Well you can play this one as you feel comfortable because its your phone and your social life, some people would just not answer, others would give the one word responses until he hung up, but if you really just don't wanna talk to him ever again block his ass. When you do this no texts, no calls, and if you ever run into him again you could just say that you haven't been getting any of his calls and your phone is crazy. But if this ever happens you have come into contact with the last question, "what if you run into him somewhere?" This is where you find yourself in the most trouble, because if you run into him at the bar again and you have already had some drinks, you might find yourself in the same situation again. Because there is more than likely a chance that he is going to want to buy you another drink and see if he would be able to score again. This is where you have to play it cool, you might be drunk or kinda tipsy but if he offers you a drink then you run back to your friends as fast as you can. Going through one science experiment with this guy is probably one to many. But if your at Starbucks, the grocery market, or just out and about you would be able to find it easier to avoid him. Just remember although this guy sucked at sex doesn't mean that he will be the last one, you'll probably have a few more bad sexual encounters too. Sex is probably one of the most awkward and uncomfortable acts that you could do with someone but you dont have to make it more uncomfortable than it already has to be. In any case some of these tips might be able to help with those future experiments. But remember always where a condom and you can still get a STD from toilets.

All comments are always welcome so please leave some

Always and Forever 

Shane 

Breaking ups

When you love someone you usually find yourself doing the craziest shit. That could be for anyone that you love, your mom, your kids, or your the person that your in love with. It seems like there is just no bounds as to what you would do for them. But when so you know that what your doing is to much. I guess thats where you find that there is a difference in love. For your parents the limits would show within your relationship with them. Most of us would like to think that you would do anything for them but i'm sure that just isn't true. Your kids on the other hand i'm sure that you would give your left testicle or your life for that matter just to make sure that they will be ok. But when you are in love with someone and your not married and he's just your boyfriend, what is it that tells you that the love that you have for him can only stretch so far? It varies for everyone because we are all different, but the hardest part is letting go, you might think how much this guy actually meant to you. The break up part is something that varies for everyone too, so what do you do after you break up?Thats when you buy a gallon of ice cream, a case of wine, a pack of cigarettes, and an Amy Winehouse Album, and sit in your room get wasted while calling your best friends telling them how hurt you are in the slurred words that could barely communicate what happened. Plus having a mouth full of ice cream doesn't help you talk either. Break ups never really have them same effects for every relationship, but when you find yourself at that point of being both wasted from wine and ice cream you know that this person was someone who impacted your life. Whether you would like to acknowledge it or not there are those few moments in life that would bring to this point of embarrassment and this is one of them. But when you do this after every break up and your only dating this guy for a month, seriously bitch, get your ass up and go to the bar. Find a guy to take your ass home and just have sex with his ass. Because if your this torn up with a guy after a month you seriously might have some attachment issues and should find a therapist quick, because no man likes a clingy bitch. But if you had this guy for a while and didn't cheat on him, then i would say get the damn ice cream, and just let that shit out. Like i said all relationships are different and not all people are the same either, so our reactions are all different too. But when you loose someone that is that special to you, you deserve that tub of ice cream and as much wine as you wanna drink. Fuck the world with that whole bouncing back shit, you should just take a break. 

Why straights guys??

Well i guess i have found something that would be pretty interesting to write about, me and a friend of mine have decided that we would start writing about a few things that could catch some attention. So this is what I came up with.

Sex, sometimes is something that isn't talked about openly and honestly among most men. Although being gay sex is talked about more commonly than anything, advertisements geared to gay men about knowing your status about HIV and STD related diseases. Although it is common within the gay community, straight men have a more conservative view on sex. Despite bragging about how they banged this chick from the bar last Friday and how she was “stacked,” straight guys have found new excitements that are the corner stone of gay sex since the dawn of time. Lately I came across an advertisement while participating in my late night jerk a woman taking an anal pounding gang bang. Of course my first reaction was, “eww vagina” and then a sudden loss of a stiff when i couldn't take my eyes off of this wondering why the hell is she doing this? Why would a woman with no prostate want to do this, besides that this bitch is probably getting paid more then i make in two months working at my job for just one scene. Then i thought that women couldn't really do this for pleasure with their boyfriends, that would just be stupid. But to my surprise this is actually a lot less uncommon than i thought. When i clocked in for work i decided that i would ask some of my coworkers what their thoughts were about this whole topic and why they would want anal sex with their girlfriends or wives. The most common reaction that i got was that they saw it on porn and thats where they have gotten the idea. When i asked how and when was their first time it varied. One of them said that first time ever having sex was anal and others said that it was kind of an accident that it happened. Still curious i did what every person would do, although i felt like a 14 year old boy looking for porn under the sheets of my bed. According to Cosmo men want to have anal sex because it makes them feel like they have more power within the relationship or it was something that they have seen on porn. But to be perfectly honest sexual exploration is always something that i have been totally cool about, i mean if you wanna trying anything with your boyfriend or girlfriend and their cool with it then why not. But i still didn't understand why straight men would want to have anal sex when they would say that taking it up the ass is just shameful. So when my next day at work came along i asked the guys once more, why is having anal sex with your girlfriend different from me and my boyfriend having anal sex? The only answer that was given was that, giving anal is different from getting anal, its cool when your giving anal sex because you dont have a dick in your ass and when you do it just makes you a bitch, is just the just of that conversation. But when i asked what about the gay men that are just tops and they dont like to receive it just give it? Well the response was still something that was less surprising, “your still fucking a guy so that still makes you a bitch.” So now matter what the act is the thought that a man and another man have anal sex is shameful. Out of a mild fit of irritation i suggested that their girlfriends are bitches then too they too take it in the ass. Of course their faces immediately dropped and looked a little angry when i suggested this in the argument. Of course they covered their tracks saying that they love their girlfriends that and their not bitches and its different for women. In any case anal sex for straight people seem like its mainly just for the men of the relationship, just trying to get a taste of what it would be like to have a little gay experience. Whether its a power struggle or something that could of just happened on “accident.” It would seem that every straight men that has participated in anal sex with their girlfriends have an underlining sexual fantasy or interest in seeing what gay men experience. Its like the saying goes, “you have to try everything at least once.” Although these men havent tried anything with a man therefore keeping their status as straight, i still impose the question as to why would straight men want to do something that is classified as a shameful act for two men, with their girlfriends? Like i said before, I'm all down for some sexual exploration as long as everyone is cool with it, but if you say it makes you a “bitch” to take a dick up the ass, then i would say you might want to rethink of what you think about your girlfriend. 

Oops.. :)

Well when I started this blog a while I think I had expectations to write out all of my feelings so that someone would be able to connect with me, and some of the suffering that i was going through at that time. And now i have almost nothing to write about. I try to come up with some ideas in how i would be able to connect with people and how i would be able to get some comments of what would be interesting to write about. But now i think im going to keep some of those ideas in how i started this blog in the first place. I have this awesome best friend that is an artist, and when i would ask her how painting and drawing felt for her she would always say, "its like this bubble in my stomach that just comes up and i throw it on the paper and thats just what it is." When i write i almost feel the same thing. With every letter, word, comma, and period it all has meaning. I am no artist, and to be honest im no Pitzer writer either. But when i write its like i can just close the whole world off and its just me and my pen, or in this case me and a keyboard. I am able to write anything thing that just wants to come out. Although having some inspiration while i write could never hurt really. But sometimes i forget why i love to write. But when i get the bubble feeling and just cant keep that shit in, whatever comes out is mine. So i guess in the sense that its my creation and its something that i have written with my ideas and my hands that have written these words, i guess thats when i feel like an artist. In any case, all of this said just to say that i have nothing to write about with blog but my friend brought up that my blog doesnt have enough entries and of course i want to expand on this but i also want to not loose the ambitions that ive had when i first started this blog. Like the title of my blog i am always searching for a new horizon, and i dont think that i would be able to loose that ambition, although for this entry im going to just leave it as a reflection and refocus. Im sure that there are many things that i could find to write about, but today im just taken it easy. Always welcome to ideas and comment so please give me some.

Always and Forever
Shane